Fate's a Funny Thing
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy, to punish the Joker for his constant abuse of Harley, convinces Jervis Tetch to build a device which traps the Joker in an alternate reality, before he seduced Dr. Harleen Quinzel, and where Dr. Harleen Quinzel is engaged to another man. Will Joker and Harley's twisted, true love conquer all? Thanks to brooklyn1shay2black3 for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Fate's a Funny Thing**

"Harley? Where did you get that black eye?" asked Poison Ivy, looking up from the TV as Harley Quinn entered the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum.

"Oh…that. That's from…uh…Mr. J," stammered Harley, covering her eye hastily. "He…accidentally hit me, y'know…was aiming for my rear to give me a playful spanking, but…missed."

"The clown's aim isn't that bad," growled Ivy, feeling fury in the pit of her stomach.

"Oh…yeah, it is, Red," said Harley, slowly. "He was having an off day…forgot his glasses…"

"Joker doesn't wear glasses," retorted Ivy.

"Oh…yeah…that's right. So how's the game, boys?" asked Harley, rushing over to where Jervis Tetch and Jonathan Crane were playing chess.

"Fine, Harley. I shall achieve victory in a matter of moves," said Tetch smugly, surveying the board with a pleased expression, the exact opposite of the annoyed one on Crane's face.

Harley studied the board for a second and then pointed. "If you move your bishop, Johnny, you can get him in check. And then if you move the other bishop here, you can probably work it into a Boden's Mate. I read about that in a book the other day."

Crane stared at her in adoration. "Marry me," he gasped.

"What?" said Harley, puzzled.

"Um…I said, marry me, which is…an archaic exclamation of surprise and admiration, of course," stammered Crane. "Like verily and forsooth and words like that."

"Oh, right," said Harley, smiling. "You learn something new every day," she sighed, heading over to join Ivy on the sofa.

Tetch looked at Crane in disapproval. "Oh, don't you start," snapped Crane, moving his bishop. "You kidnapped the woman you were in love with, for goodness sake. You have no right to criticize me for accidentally voicing my feelings. At least I won't end up in Arkham for it."

"No, too late for that," retorted Tetch dryly, returning his attention to the game.

"Whatcha watching, Red?" asked Harley, nodding at the TV.

"It's a soap I like, Harley," she replied. "The main guy in it is quite the stud."

Harley studied the man tenderly confessing his love to the woman on screen, and made a face. "I guess he's all right," she said. "But his character's such a drip."

"He's being sweet and romantic, Harley," snapped Ivy. "I get that maybe you can't recognize that after years of abuse by the clown, but most women find that attractive."

"Well, most women are wrong," snapped Harley, folding her arms across her chest.

Ivy looked at her. "Harley, J was your first guy, wasn't he?" she asked, quietly.

"Yeah," retorted Harley, nodding. "I ain't never had anyone else but Mr. J. Ain't never wanted anyone else neither."

"And nobody else ever…wanted you?" asked Ivy, gently. "No boys in school or college?"

Harley thought. "I had a best friend growing up called Ricky," she said. "Once we got to high school, he…said he was kinda in love with me. But it wouldn't have felt right, y'know. He was my best friend, and not my type romantically."

"You mean he wasn't an abusive, selfish, disgusting psychopath?" asked Ivy.

"I mean he wasn't my type," repeated Harley. "Nice guy, but nice guys don't get my engine revving in the bedroom. I need someone forceful and strong and dominant and…"

"Harley, you useless waste of space!" shouted the Joker, entering the room. "I've been calling you for ten minutes! You need to get your worthless ass in to Dr. Leland's office before I kick it there myself, get me?!"

"Yes, puddin'," breathed Harley, eyes shining as she stood up and came over to kiss him. He shoved her away and slapped her hard.

"Now!" he shouted.

Harley rushed from the room, gazing back at him adoringly. "What are you staring at, Weed Lady?" snapped Joker, grabbing the remote from her as he sat down in front of the TV. "I ain't watching this crap – there's gotta be some cartoons on or something."

He flipped the channels casually as Ivy glared at him in fury, wondering if it was worth starting a fight and being dragged away by the guards. But she had a better idea for getting revenge on the Joker. She stood up slowly. "Jervis?" she said, coming over to the chess table. "May I have a word with you in private?"

"No," muttered Tetch, head in his hands as he watched Crane checkmate his king.

"I'd do it, Tetchy, she's probably the only piece of action you're ever gonna get!" chuckled Joker. "Beggars can't be choosers, can they?"

"I don't wanna sleep with him, you disgusting freak!" snapped Ivy. "I just wanna talk. Jervis?" she repeated, looking at him.

He sighed, standing up. "Very well. And it doesn't count as a victory, Jonathan – you had help. That's cheating."

"All's fair in love and chess," retorted Crane, smiling.

Tetch and Ivy left the room, heading for Tetch's cell. "Now how may I help you, Pamela?" asked Tetch, sitting down on his bed.

"Y'know a couple months ago you were testing out this alternate reality simulator?" asked Ivy. "Did you make it work in the end?"

Tetch stared at her. "Yes, I…had three very successful tests. But each one ended in the Joker breaking my simulators and beating me rather badly. I have no wish to repeat the experience. Why? Did you have a particular alternate reality in mind?"

"Kinda," said Ivy. "I'm just…sick of seeing Harley abused by J. He has to learn to appreciate what he's got. And the only way he's gonna do that is if he loses Harley. But Harley isn't ever gonna leave him permanently, at least, not in this reality. So I was kinda wondering if it would be possible to create a reality where the Joker…didn't have her. Because he didn't break her mind because she was already with someone else by the time he showed up. Harley mentioned this guy called Ricky was sweet on her in high school…"

"This is a great deal of hypothetical speculation and reality manipulation," interrupted Tetch. "You think it's easy to rearrange the fabric of the universe, do you? You think it can be done with just the touch of a button?"

"Well…I kinda thought that's what the machine did," said Ivy, slowly.

"Yes. But it's an incredibly complex process which requires the touch of several buttons," retorted Tetch, folding his arms across his chest. "Anyway, I am not at all pleased with Harley at the moment, after her little stunt of helping Jonathan beat me at chess. I have precious few victories in life, and depriving me of any of those is terribly cruel…"

"Do you want money, is that it?" interrupted Ivy.

"My dear lady, what I want is to vent," retorted Tetch. "And it is most rude to interrupt a man when he's ranting."

"Well, I kinda want an answer," retorted Ivy. "Yes or no to my reality simulator?"

"When the Joker returns from the alternate reality, he will be most displeased with me," retorted Tetch. "Do I have assurances that you will bear the brunt of his wrath?"

"Oh God, yes," retorted Ivy. "I can handle J, don't worry."

Tetch thought. "The pros and cons of this situation are numerous," he murmured. "I shall have to carefully consider each one…"

"Oh, for God's sake," sighed Ivy, reaching into her bosom and pulling out her lipstick, spreading it over her lips. "See, this is why I can't stand brainy guys sometimes. All talk, no action."

"What are you…" began Tetch, but Ivy had seized his face in her hands and kissed him passionately before he could protest.

"Jervis, just build the alternate reality simulator for me, ok?" she whispered when she drew away.

Tetch nodded, unable to refuse her mind-control lipstick. "I'll get started on it right away," he muttered.

"Good boy," sighed Ivy, replacing her lipstick and leaving his cell. "Now maybe I can kiss Crane into getting me some food. I'm starving."


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker was lying on his stomach on the floor of his cell, studying the crude plan he had been drawing for Batman's destruction and tapping his bleeding finger against it contemplatively. He sucked on his finger again and began drawing on the already blood-soaked sheet, whistling.

"Puddin'!" called a voice from the other end of the cell block. "Your Harley girl has got a swell surprise for you!"

"Uh huh," he muttered, not looking up from the plan.

"Doncha wanna know what it is?" continued the voice.

"Uh huh," he repeated. He had stopped listening.

"You need to come to my cell," she purred. "I can't have the other inmates seeing me like this. It's for your eyes only, puddin'."

"Uh huh," said Joker again, finishing his drawing of Batman by giving him a big frown. He added some knives in the body as it was lowered upside down over a pit of bubbling acid, smiling. "Chemicals and Giggles," he muttered, considering the title of the scheme. "No. Acid Bath Antics. No…"

"Puddin'!" called Harley again.

"Little busy here, Harl!" he shouted.

"Please, puddin'! I promise you'll like it!"

Joker sighed heavily, standing up and tearing off the portion of the sheet with the plan on it. He studied it as he wandered down the cell block towards Harley's room.

Harley had, with some difficulty, managed to smuggle a very revealing lingerie set into Arkham the last time they were captured. She was sure the reward would be worth the effort, though. It was all lacy and frilly and sheer, and Harley certainly felt very sexy wearing it.

She saw Mr. J coming and positioned herself on the bed in what she hoped was an attractive and desirable pose. "Hey, Mr. J," she breathed. Her face fell when she saw that he wasn't even looking at her – he was standing in the doorway with his eyes fixed on his plan.

She coughed. "Um…Mr. J?" she said.

"Mmm?" he asked, not looking up from the plan.

"Um…you wanna see what your Harley girl is wearing?" asked Harley, shifting position. "It's so naughty."

"Mmm," he repeated, staring at the plan thoughtfully. "Does the Great Chemical Caper sound like a good title to you, pooh?"

"Title for what?" asked Harley, confused.

"For my plan, of course," he said. "What else would I be talking about?"

"Oh…well…"

"I'm gonna go with it," he said, nodding firmly. "Thanks for your help, sweets. See you soon," he said, turning around and heading back to his cell. He hadn't looked at her the whole time.

"Mr. J!" shouted Harley, standing up and racing after him.

"Can I borrow some of your blood to write with, Harl?" he asked, glaring in annoyance at his finger. "Mine seems kinda reluctant to flow at the moment…"

"Mr. J, look at me!" demanded Harley, knocking the plan from his hand and forcing his chin up.

Joker did, and immediately grew angry. "Why are you wearing that kinda crap out here in plain view of the entire cell block?!" he demanded. "You think I want every guy in here getting an eyeful of you?!"

"Will you two please stop shouting?" demanded Jonathan Crane, suddenly looking up from his book in annoyance. "Some of us are trying to..." But he trailed off, his jaw dropping when he saw Harley.

"Hey, eyes on the book, nerdlinger!" shouted Joker.

"Y...yes, sir," Crane stammered, forcing his eyes back down with some little difficulty, but keeping a mental picture of Harley for later.

"See, Harley, it's not nice to torment the nerds like that!" snapped Joker. "Not when that's the closest they'll ever come to seeing a woman naked!"

"No, Mr. J, but I tried to show you in private…"

"Just go put some clothes on!" he shouted, shoving her back toward her room. "I ain't in the mood, all right? And I don't want my property parading around in nothing like some common tramp! I don't want the guys thinking I broke an easy dame! Where's the challenge in that?" he muttered, heading back towards his cell.

"Aw, c'mon, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, racing after him. "Why don't we have a little playtime and then…"

He struck her suddenly. "I said put some clothes on!" he shouted. "And stop nagging me after I say no, all right?! I don't change my mind! And I ain't in the mood to try to satisfy some sex-crazed little minx who constantly demands crap from me! What the hell do you think I am, Harl, a goddamn machine?!"

"No…I…I just wanted to show you…how much I love you," stammered Harley, tears in her eyes.

"I know, Harley!" he shouted. "Everyone knows! You know when I got bored of you, sweetheart?! When you became Harley Quinn! Before that, it was a challenge for me to seduce you, and you were kinda reluctant, and it was dirty and wrong and fun. But ever since you've gone mad for me, it's all just too easy, and there's no fun in doing something that's too easy, like you, you dumb blonde! And that's why I've lost interest in you, kid! If you wanna get it back, maybe you should try playing hard to get sometime, instead of always acting like an eager beaver with an eager beaver! Now don't bother me again!"

He stormed into his cell, slamming the door behind him. Harley gazed after him, the tears running down her cheeks, and slowly made her way back to her own cell. "I…I just wanted to show him how much I love him," she repeated quietly, pulling on her inmate uniform again.

Poison Ivy said nothing from the neighboring cell, but her lips tightened in a firm line as she studied her magazine.

Later that night, she knocked on the door to Tetch's cell. "You done with the reality simulator, Jervis?" she asked, pushing it open.

"Yes, nearly," he said, bent over a top hat and pressing some buttons of a device tucked into the hatband. "I'm just manipulating the details of the reality now."

"Remember, I don't want Harley to even be tempted by the clown," said Ivy, coming over to him. "So can you give her a perfect life? Happy parents, ideal job, loving boyfriend…"

"Loving_ fiance_," corrected Tetch. "Once a girl has made an official commitment to marry the other man, it increases the pain of the unrequited lover tenfold. Believe me, I know."

He straightened up, holding out the hat to Ivy. "There you are. Put that on Joker's head and his mind will instantly be transported to that reality. It will all seem as real as this reality to him. You can bring him back at any time simply by…"

"Thanks, but I'd like him to suffer for a good, long while," murmured Ivy.

"Well, time is unequal in these realities, so in the space of a few hours here, days and even weeks can pass in the…"

"Great," interrupted Ivy. "Thanks, Jervis. Remind me to kiss you again for this later."

"Thank you, but it is not an experience I wish to repeat," he replied.

Ivy looked up at him, offended. "What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded. "You saying I'm a bad kisser?"

"I'm sure you are a very talented kisser," he retorted. "But considering my experience is terribly limited, I will have to take your word for it. But the only woman I wish to have kiss me is Alice. To be kissed by any other seems like a kind of betrayal to me, and I have no wish to betray the woman I adore."

"Oh…wow, Jervis, that's kinda sweet," said Ivy, slowly. "Why can't all guys be more like you?"

"Because then my love would be of the common variety," retorted Tetch. "And it is anything but that. The best way you can repay me is to make sure that when the Joker returns, he comes nowhere near me."

"Done," said Ivy.

"And save the hat if you can," continued Tetch. "I always weep at the ruination of a fine piece of headgear."

Ivy left the cell, heading for the Joker's. As she suspected, he was still completely focused on his plan for killing Batman, so much so that he didn't even hear the cell door open, or Ivy enter his room. In fact, he didn't notice much of anything until the world suddenly went black, and he opened his eyes again in…his cell.

"Hey, where'd my plan go?!" he asked angrily, realizing that it had somehow disappeared. He lifted up the mattress, looking under it, and all around the room. "If this is a joke, it isn't funny!" he shouted. "I lost about ten gallons of blood making that!"

"What're you shouting about, Joker?" demanded a guard, rushing over to him. The guard looked vaguely familiar, and Joker had sworn that he had last seen that face wearing a ricktus death grin.

"Uh…nothing," he said, shaking his head. "I…lost something."

"Yeah, your mind," retorted the guard. "But that went a long time ago."

"Oh, a comedian, huh?" asked Joker, grinning. "Wanna hear a joke?"

The cell door opened. "No. I wanna get you to your therapy session," growled the guard, dragging him out of the room.

Joker looked around the asylum as he was dragged down the corridor. It seemed exactly the same, but something definitely felt wrong about it. He was sure he had killed that guard before. And why had his plan suddenly disappeared?

He was shoved inside one of the interview rooms, and a second later, a doctor entered. "Good morning, Mr. Joker, how are you feeling today?" she asked, turning to face him, and Joker's jaw dropped in astonishment.

"H…Harley?" he stammered. It was indeed Harley Quinn, although she looked nothing like her usual self. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a tight bun, and she wore thick, round glasses and a white labcoat over a very demure, professional outfit.

"Um…Dr. Harleen Quinzel," said Harleen, pointing to the namebadge she wore. "My friends call me Harley, but I think it would better if we stuck with Dr. Quinzel, don't you?"

Joker stared at her. And then his face broke into a grin. "Oh, I get it!" he laughed. "It's a joke! Since I said earlier that I wasn't interested in Harley Quinn anymore, you went back to being Dr. Harleen Quinzel for a little roleplay. Gotta say, toots, I like it! Did Doc Leland help you set this up? She's all right, for a white coat."

"I…don't know what you're talking about," said Harleen, slowly. "Dr. Leland is head doctor here, and she employed me, but the rest of what you said is meaningless to me."

"Oh, this is a good game, toots," he murmured, grinning. "And you're so in character. You know how much Daddy likes his roleplay, you naughty girl. So, I guess I better get straight to seducing you, huh, my sexy little shrink?"

"Excuse me?" demanded Harleen, eyes flashing in fury.

"Well, c'mon, baby, you may act all prim and proper and professional, but I know what you really want is to get down and dirty with the clown, ain't that right?" he murmured, leaning forward to kiss her.

Harleen slapped him hard across the face. "Mr. Joker, do not attempt anything of that kind ever again!" she snapped. "I am your doctor, and a happily engaged young woman!"

Joker looked at her. "What?" he murmured. "Engaged? But that's not part of the game…"

"I don't have any idea what game you're talking about," snapped Harley. "But then you are insane, and your particular form of madness tends to latch itself on to jokes and games. But understand this, Mr. Joker. Your therapy is no game to me. And if you insist on making it into one, we will end this session right now. So are you going to behave or not?"

Joker grinned. "Only if you spank me, Doc," he murmured.

Harleen just glared at him, and then pressed a button. "Please tell the guards to take the patient back to his cell," she muttered. "Goodbye, Mr. Joker."

She left the room without another word as the guards entered. Joker was returned to his cell and sat on his bed, terribly confused. "Maybe this is part of the game too," he murmured. "Maybe this is her playing hard to get. And then she's gonna sneak in later tonight and be all over me, as usual."

He nodded firmly. "That must be it," he said, lying down and smiling. "Athough that engaged thing earlier was kinda weird…maybe she's just trying to get me jealous. Well, mission accomplished, my little minx," he chuckled. "Oh, Daddy can't wait to spank you later."

He laughed, sitting up again and glancing out the window at the parking lot. He stopped laughing as he realized that the tree next to his window was still there. That had been cut down years ago after he had used it as an escape route one too many times. So what was it doing back?

And then his eyes strayed to the parking lot, where he saw Dr. Harleen Quinzel waving at a car. The door opened and a young man stepped out of the car, very handsome, tall, and with a very sincere smile that beamed in adoration at Harleen. Joker watched in horror as he held out his arms and Harleen raced into them, kissing him passionately.

"Right, Harley, this is not funny," he growled, furiously, as he watched them kiss. "And this is going too far to make me jealous."

He looked around his cell for something to throw at them. They seperated and he could see them chatting affectionately - the man would occasionally touch her face and Harleen would beam lovingly back at him. Then the man handed her her lunch, which he had obviously come to bring to her, kissed her again, and re-entered the car. Harleen waved and blew kisses at it until it was out of sight. Then she returned to the asylum, smiling happily.

"This…this ain't right," stammered Joker. "It's like I've gone back in time, although back to some weird, alternate time that never…"

And then the realization struck him. "Oh, Hatty's been up to his old tricks again, has he?" he sighed. "He probably got mad that I hit Harley earlier and made this stupid alternate reality to teach me a lesson. Well, I refuse to learn any lessons! Fiance or no fiance, I'll break her mind again! I'll show Hatty! I'll show everyone! I'm the Joker, after all – I'm the World's Greatest Charmer! Women just fall at my feet! Especially Harley! I'll have her wrapped around my little finger in a matter of days!" he said, firmly.

The World's Greatest Charmer was about to lose his title.


	3. Chapter 3

"Good morning, Mr. Joker. I hope you feel like behaving a little better today," said Dr. Harleen Quinzel, glaring sternly at the Joker through her glasses.

"Boy, I sure do, Doc!" exclaimed Joker, beaming as he lay on the therapy couch. "In fact, I wanted to apologize for the other day. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, and I really don't want you to think of me as some overbearing bully who sexually harrasses my shrinks."

"Don't worry, Mr. Joker, I don't," retorted Harleen. "I think of you as a murdering, insane, homicidal psychopath."

"Aw, sweets, you're too kind!" chuckled Joker. He sat up, holding out his arms. "You wanna kiss and make up?" he murmured, grinning.

Harleen just looked back at him, expressionless, and then back down at her notes. "Well, let's start with a few questions about your childhood…"

"How about I ask you some questions, Doc?" interrupted Joker. "We can try a little reverse therapy."

"I'm not the crazy one here, Mr. Joker," retorted Harleen, coldly. "I am not in need of therapy."

"Yeah, and ain't that a real shame?" he chuckled. "There's so much potential for insanity inside you, toots. It'd be a pity to let it all go to waste."

Harleen sighed. "If you'd like to discuss philosophy, Mr. Joker, there is the potential for insanity inside everyone. But the decent, normal, good people of this world keep it under control, rather than letting it run free like a reckless child."

"Well, I've always believed it's a crime to keep kiddies locked up," chuckled Joker. "Just let 'em play! They won't be kiddies forever! And anyone can be decent, normal, and good, toots. It's kinda boring, doncha think?"

"Maybe it could be," agreed Harleen. "But most people manage to find some small measure of happiness."

"What about you, toots?" he asked. "Are you happy?"

"Yes, very," said Harleen, nodding. "I'm incredibly lucky. I have a job I enjoy, a loving family, the best fiance a girl could ask for…"

"Yeah, why doncha tell me about your fiance?" asked Joker, casually. "You been seeing him for a long time?"

Harleen glared at him. "This interview session is not about my relationship with Ricky," she retorted. "Nor is it about me at all. It's about you, Mr. Joker. But since you're so keen on the subject, let me ask you the same question. Have you had any romantic relationships? Or is your sexual passion sublimated by your passion for violence?"

"Hey, I have to fight to keep the dames off me, all right?" snapped Joker.

"Really?" asked Harleen, surprised. "So you have a girlfriend?"

"Yeah. As a matter of fact, I do," retorted Joker.

"Who?" asked Harleen.

"Her name's Harley Quinn," retorted Joker. "Ring any bells, sweets?"

"Harley Quinn, like the clown character?" asked Harleen, raising her eyebrows. "Did you just make her up?"

"No, she's real!" snapped Joker. "At least, she is in real reality! But for some reason she's being a real pain in the ass in this reality!"

Harleen just looked at him. "You're asking me to believe that any woman would be so insane as to enter into a relationship with a man like you, a criminal lunatic, a heartless, sadistic monster who laughs at the pain and suffering of others and amuses himself by causing harm, is that it?"

"Yeah, I am!" snapped Joker. "I can't help that she's a dumb, masochistic blonde who craves the kinda pain only I can give her! I can't help that she's so stupid that she keeps coming back to me no matter how badly I treat her! That's her problem, not mine!"

"Doesn't it seem more likely that this woman you've invented is merely a figment of your imagination?" asked Harleen, quietly. "A perfect woman for you, one whom you've even named to mirror your own clown persona, one who relishes your abuse and violence and won't leave you no matter how horrible you are to her?"

"Well…when you put it like that, it does _seem _like it," agreed Joker. "But…y'know…you couldn't make Harley up! She's just too…" he trailed off.

"Too?" prompted Harleen.

"I…dunno," he growled, shrugging. "Too…perfect for me, I guess."

"And perfection is not something that exists in reality," murmured Harleen. "When something is too perfect, it's more likely to be an illusion than not. An illusion that fades away as you get closer and examine it, like a mirage. I believe you have invented this dream girl Harley Quinn, Mr. Joker, because in reality some very small part of you craves love and affection, as all humans do. And so rather than accepting that no woman could ever love a man like you, and changing yourself into a man a woman could love, you created this woman in your mind. But she doesn't exist, Mr. Joker. Harley Quinn does not exist."

Joker looked back at her. "No," he growled. "I guess she don't. Not here."

"Not anywhere," murmured Harleen.

Joker stood up, furiously. "Don't you dare tell me I'm crazy!" he shouted. "I won't take that from the likes of you, you dumb blonde!"

"You're becoming agitated," said Harley, rising. "I will be forced to call the guards if you do not calm down at once."

"Don't threaten me, sweetheart, or I'll break your face just like I broke your mind!" shouted Joker.

"What on earth are you talking about?" she demanded.

"It's me, Harley!" he shouted. "It's Mr. J! I'm sick of this stupid game, so just snap outta it, would ya?!"

Harleen stared at him. "Oh…my God," she gasped. "You haven't based this Harley Quinn on me, have you?"

"Of course I have!" he shouted. "You're my little Harley Quinn, my stupid, silly, little baby, my utterly useless waste of space! And Daddy says stop this now!"

Harley slapped him again, hard. "Now you listen to me, you disgusting creep!" she hissed. "I will not be the inspiration for whatever sick, twisted, perverted fantasies you create inside your head! I am engaged to be married to a wonderful guy, a handsome, kind, sweet, loving, nice guy, not some horrible, hideous, insane, murderous, manipulative psychopath! This is reality, Mr. Joker, and in reality I will never have anything to do with you, so get that through your thick skull, will ya?!"

Her accent had slipped toward her natural Brooklyn twang, as it always did when she was moved by strong emotions. She stood in front of him, flushed with rage and glaring at him in fury, and Joker was utterly captivated. "Baby, you're magnificent!" he gasped.

And without warning, he seized her face in his hands and shoved his mouth onto hers, kissing her violently. Harleen immediately struck him again, shoving him away and wiping her lips. Then she buzzed for the guards.

"Escort the patient back to his cell," she muttered. "And I want him restrained for our next session."

"Yes, Dr. Quinzel," said the guard, dragging Joker away. The door shut and Harleen just stood there, trying to get her anger under control. She had never been this furious at anyone before, and the overwhelming rage was such a powerful feeling, making her whole body shake.

She sat down at her desk, picking up her phone and dialling a number.

"Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

"Ricky," said Harleen, calming and smiling when she heard her fiance's voice. "How're you doing?"

"Harley! This is a wonderful surprise! I'm just great now that you've called, sweetheart! How are you?"

"I'm fine – just had a difficult patient," sighed Harleen. "The Joker."

"Oh, wow. They're just giving you all the psychos, huh?" asked Ricky. "Well, I got an idea to make you feel better. Why don't you come over to my place tonight and I'll make you a nice romantic meal, and then we can cuddle on the sofa with some wine and watch a movie?"

"Sounds perfect," said Harleen, smiling. "I get off at six."

"I'll pick you up then," he said. "I love you, Harley."

"I love you too, Ricky," she murmured. "Bye."

She hung up the phone and looked down. Her hands were still shaking in fury. That dumb clown, she thought. Well, she refused to let him spoil her day, or her evening. Him and his stupid Harley Quinn would not get in the way of her fun tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

"So what's he like?" asked Ricky as they ate the lobster he had picked up as a special treat for Harleen after her difficult day.

"Who?" asked Harleen.

"The Joker," he replied.

Harleen snorted. "Crazy."

"Well yeah, I think everyone kinda knows that…" began Ricky, smiling.

"No, Ricky, I mean he really is crazy," she said. "When you see him on TV, he makes jokes and threats and stuff, but at least they kinda make sense. Talking to him today…he was just raving about a lotta nonsense. About his girlfriend…"

"Girlfriend?" repeated Ricky. "Does a monster like that have a girlfriend?"

Harleen smiled. "You know how some women like a bad boy, Ricky," she replied.

He smiled back. "Not you, thank God," he murmured, leaning over to kiss her.

Harleen returned the kiss, trying to make it feel better than it actually did. Trying to convince herself that this was a kiss of true love, like the kind you read about in fairy tales. After all, Ricky was a perfect guy, and she was so lucky to have him.

But what she had told the Joker earlier about perfection was true. As perfect as her life seemed, and as happy as she knew she should be about it, she couldn't help but feel dissatisfied with it. Something was missing. She didn't know what – she had everything a girl could want. And Ricky was just the best. The kinda guy every girl dreams about. The kinda man her parents wanted her to marry. Handsome, responsible, caring, affectionate, sensible, good husband and father material. And Harleen was very fond of him.

They had been friends since they were kids together. And one day in their late teens when Ricky had told Harleen that he hoped they could be more, she didn't know what to say. She had always dreamed about falling in love, thinking that the feeling would hit her, like lightning, making her whole body feel awake and alive, and making the world feel strange and new and beautiful. Making everything feel perfect, including herself.

But all her friends encouraged her to date him. Her parents were so happy about it. Such a nice boy, her mother had said, and even her father approved of the match, and her father's approval was a rare thing. So reluctantly, she had to admit, Harleen agreed to go out with him. Over the years, her affection for Ricky as a friend hadn't changed. But she had never quite felt that spark, that something that she had always hoped for, that she had read about in fairy tales.

But she had resigned herself to the fact that fairy tales weren't real, and things written in them didn't really exist. There were no fairy godmothers or witches or dragons in real life, after all, so why should love like that exist either? Surely that was just another fantastical part of the stories, something magical and impossible, but all the more desirable for that.

It was better to marry a man she was fond of, a good man, a nice guy, than to wait around for something that was never going to happen. And so when Ricky had proposed to her, Harleen had accepted. And she was still trying to convince herself that was the right thing to do, and that she was happy about it. She couldn't admit to herself the possibility that she wasn't.

"I think it's a fantasy," she murmured as Ricky drew away.

"What is?" he asked.

"The Joker's girlfriend," she retorted. "It's some twisted coping mechanism he's invented because he knows it's never gonna happen in real life. And when people can't come to terms with reality…crazy people, like the Joker…they make themselves believe things that aren't true."

She stared down at her plate, thinking about her own situation and wondering if that didn't make her as crazy as the Joker.

"What's her name?" asked Ricky.

Harleen smiled. "Harley Quinn," she replied.

"What, like the clown?" he laughed. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life!"

"It's almost my name, Ricky," she said, smiling. "If you rework it a bit."

"You want me to call you Harley Quinn from now on?" he asked, grinning.

"No, thanks," she retorted. "No need to encourage his sick delusions about me."

Ricky's face fell. "He's based his girlfriend on you?" he asked, quietly.

"Oh…yeah. It's a common enough thing for patients to fixate on their psychiatrists," said Harleen, working her fork around the plate. "Someone they see a lot and talk to and share secrets with…it's not unusual for feelings of intimacy to develop."

Ricky was silent. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you seeing him…if he's in love with you," he said, slowly.

"Don't be ridiculous, Ricky, the Joker doesn't love people," snapped Harleen. "He's a heartless monster."

"Well, if he's created this woman to resemble you, he must feel a certain…desire towards you," murmured Ricky. "I'd just hate for him to…try anything."

He looked up at her. "He hasn't, has he?" he asked.

Harleen paused, wondering if she should tell him about the kiss. No need to worry him, she thought immediately - he would only get jealous and insist that she not see him again.

"No, of course not," she said casually. "Mom and Dad called earlier," she said, changing the topic quickly. "They want to have us over for dinner sometime this week to discuss the catering for the wedding."

"Oh, good," said Ricky, sincerely. "I wanted to talk to your Dad about the mortgage for the house I'm thinking of buying for us. I'm hoping he can help us come up with a yearly plan, and maybe discuss APR and insurance…"

Harleen took a sip of wine, trying to listen. But she wasn't interested, and her thoughts wandered. The cool liquid slid into her mouth, and she couldn't help but remember the Joker's kiss. Ricky had never kissed her like that before. There was something wild and crazy in it, like the Joker himself, and yet sweet and intoxicating, like wine. Red wine, like his red lips, pressing harshly against her own, the liquid warm and sweet in her mouth now, like his tongue, invading her…

She caught herself suddenly, realizing that she was fantasizing. About the Joker. She slammed down the wine glass hastily – obviously she'd already had too much of that. The alcohol was making her think crazy thoughts.

"You ok, Harley?" asked Ricky, noticing her flushed face.

"Uh…yeah, Ricky," she stammered, trying to get herself under control again. "Just…hard day, like I said."

"Of course. And I don't imagine talking about mortgages is very interesting to you, sweetheart," he said, smiling. "How about a movie instead?"

She beamed. "You always know how to cheer me up, Ricky," she said, heading over to the sofa.

They had some more wine and cuddled together as they watched the movie, and Harleen forgot about the Joker. She was reminded of him strangely when Ricky gradually lost interest in the film and began kissing her. Harleen returned his kisses with passion, but it didn't quite seem to equal the passion and force with which the Joker had kissed her earlier. And her head didn't reel and her body didn't throb in response to it, as they had for the Joker earlier, much as she hated to admit it.

"Mmm, no, Ricky," murmured Harleen, drawing away suddenly as Ricky's hand slid down her top. "You know I'm not…comfortable with that."

"Harley, we're gonna be married in a few months," he murmured, pressing his kisses on her.

"So wait a few months," she replied, shoving his hand away. "I'm sorry, Ricky, I really am, but I just don't believe in…sex before marriage. Call me old-fashioned like that."

He sighed but smiled, pulling away from her. "I do," he replied. "And as frustrating as it is, it is kinda precious, baby, I gotta admit. I've just…waited a long time to have you."

Harleen kissed him. "You do have me," she murmured. "I'm gonna be your wife."

"And I'm the luckiest guy in the world," he whispered, smiling. He kissed her again and Harleen snuggled against him as they returned their attention to the movie. Which was rather awkward as a steamy love scene was just beginning to heat up on screen. Harleen watched it without saying a word, unwanted thoughts invading her head again.

In the movies, it was so simple and so easy and almost irresistible – you started making out with a guy and you wanted to go all the way. But Harleen never had with Ricky. They would make out, which was nice, but she never wanted to go any further than that. There was some spark missing that you saw in the movies, some charge, some…she didn't know what.

But the movies weren't reality, she reminded herself. Like fairy tales, they were fictitious, and the way people behaved in them wasn't accurate or necessarily right. Not everyone had relationships like that. She blamed her strict sense of morality – her mother had taught her from a young age that premarital sex was wrong and dirty, and so it was only natural that those thoughts would affect her chemistry with Ricky. She was sure that would stop after they were married – once they legally belonged to each other, once it was right, she was sure she would really wanna have sex with him. At least, she hoped she would.

"Listen, Ricky, I gotta get home," she said after the movie was over. "I got work early tomorrow."

"No problem, baby, I'll drop you off," said Ricky, standing up.

"I'll call my parents tomorrow and tell 'em we'll be around on Thursday," said Harleen at the door to her apartment.

"Sounds great," said Ricky. "Tell them I say hi."

"I will," promised Harleen. "Goodnight, Ricky."

"Night, Harley," he whispered, kissing her. "I love you."

"I love you too," she murmured. "Thanks for tonight. It was just what I needed after today."

"No problem, sweetheart," he said. "I hope work goes better for you tomorrow. Tell the Joker hands off my fiancee," he said, grinning at her.

Harleen forced a smile. "Yeah, I…I will," she stammered, shutting the door. "I will," she repeated, firmly to herself. "I won't fulfill his sick, twisted fantasy, and I won't be his stupid Harley Quinn."

She nodded in resolution and headed off to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

"What would you like to talk about today, Mr. Joker?" asked Harleen.

Joker shrugged, his handcuffs rattling. "I don't care," he muttered, sulkily. He had been in a bad mood since the previous session. He was losing the game, and he was bored of it now. He always got bored when he was losing. He had spent the previous evening shouting threats to Jervis Tetch at the wall, hoping he could somehow hear him in real reality. Obviously he hadn't.

"Well, we have to talk about something," retorted Harleen.

"My time ain't precious, toots," he muttered. "I got a lotta it to waste."

"Well, my time is," snapped Harleen. "Would you like to talk about your childhood?"

"Boring," he sighed.

"Well, can you think of a topic that's not boring?" she asked.

"Nope," he retorted. "Everything's boring."

He settled back on the couch with a scowl on his face. Harleen was silent, trying to think of some subject that would spark his interest.

"Why don't you tell me more about this Harley Quinn?" she asked, quietly.

"Tell _you _about Harley?" he repeated. "Don't make me laugh."

She just looked at him, and he shrugged. "Well, she's pretty. Real pretty. Big, wide blue eyes, blonde hair, real pretty smile. Nice ass too. When you see it through that skintight costume every once in a while you just wanna spank it hard. Which she really likes, by the way, the dirty little minx…"

"I kinda meant for you to tell me about her personality," interrupted Harleen. "Though I guess you have to make that clear with a guy. What's she like? What attracts you to her?"

"Told you, didn't I?" chuckled Joker. "She's got a great ass."

"You only love her for her body?" asked Harleen.

"Didn't say I loved her, did I?" he retorted.

"Well, why else would you keep her around?" asked Harleen.

He shrugged. "I dunno. She can be useful. Sometimes. When she ain't being a useless waste of space."

"She's useful, and yet she's useless. Isn't that an oxymoron?"

"Yeah, moron's a good term for her," chuckled Joker.

Harleen sighed. "I mean it's a contradiction in terms."

"Yep, that's Harley," agreed Joker. "Sweet and innocent, yet crazily homicidal and utterly filthy. Stupid, but not too stupid. Useless, but not completely useless. You want her to just go away and leave you alone, but when she does, you kinda…miss her."

He shrugged again. "I don't really wanna talk about her," he muttered. "You think I've just made her up, after all."

"And what does Harley do when you get all moody like this?" asked Harleen.

"She usually tries to cheer me up, the dumb blonde," he muttered. "In some stupid way that only she'd be idiotic enough to think would work. Like baking a pie and coming out of it singing."

"She bakes?" asked Harleen, relieved. She didn't bake, and so it was nice to find a dissimilarity she could latch onto between herself and Harley.

"She tries," he agreed. "Lousy cook, though."

"Oh," said Harleen, her face falling. She couldn't cook either. She studied the Joker, who still sat in a huff, his smiling face pulled down in a frown, like a petulant child. "What does she see in you?" she asked.

He shrugged again. "I dunno. She's crazy. And I'm crazy. Guess when two people suffer from the same type of insanity, they call it love. That's probably how you feel about Ricky, huh? You share the same type of madness?"

"Oh…yeah, I guess," agreed Harleen.

"You been seeing him long?" he asked, casually.

"Since high school," she replied.

The Joker's frown deepened. "I see," he muttered. "You must really like him a lot."

"Yeah," agreed Harleen, quietly. "I do really like him a lot."

"You know, Harley never…had any other guys but me," said Joker, slowly. "I never really thought about it before, but I guess it kinda…means a lot. That she fell for me that hard, that she gave me everything, things she hadn't given any other man in the world. But then I guess you just can't resist madness when it takes hold," he said, smiling. "And I am a charming devil."

"Of course you are," sighed Harleen, rolling her eyes. They were silent again. "What did you do to…drive her crazy?" she asked.

"I talked to her," he replied. "Just like I'm talking to you right now. I told her the truth, the truth nobody but she and I and Batman can see. We're all on the funhouse slide into madness. It's stupid to pretend otherwise. Better to embrace the insanity and be happy than live your life regretting that you were too scared to release the madness inside of you. We do…have a lotta laughs, Harley and me," he murmured. "A lotta laughs."

"Would you…like to talk about Batman?" asked Harleen.

"No," he muttered. "I ain't in the mood."

"Well, what are you in the mood for?" she demanded, irritated.

He folded his arms across his chest. "Harley," he muttered. "But the joke's on me, because she ain't here. And I dunno when I'm gonna get back to my own reality to see her again. So until I get what I want, I'm just gonna sit here and sulk, if it's all the same to you."

"It's not," retorted Harleen. "I don't get paid to let you sit in silence for two hours."

"Well, I ain't talking anymore," muttered Joker.

"All right then, I'll talk to you," retorted Harleen. She racked her brain to think of something to say, and finally just told him the first thing that popped into her head. "Ricky and I are having dinner with my parents tonight."

"Oh, that'll be fun," he retorted, sarcastically. "What man doesn't love his in-laws?"

"Ricky and my parents get along great," said Harleen. "They're helping us plan the wedding…"

She trailed off, suddenly feeling like she didn't want to think about the wedding. "When are you…getting married?" he asked, slowly.

"Two months," she murmured. "Spring wedding. We're honeymooning in…"

"Niagara Falls," finished Joker, nodding.

She stared at him. "How do you know that?" she murmured.

He shrugged. "You've always wanted to honeymoon there. You always said when we got married, that's where were gonna go. _If _we got married, I mean, which we won't, because I ain't the marrying type."

"No," agreed Harleen. "You also wouldn't be the kinda guy I'd wanna have over for dinner with my parents."

"I sure wouldn't!" he chuckled. "It would be really awkward for Daddy to meet Daddy! You've always been Daddy's little girl, haven't you, toots?" he asked, winking at her.

"No," retorted Harleen. "My father and I don't usually get along. He's just so…close-minded and opinionated and…serious."

"You like a guy who can make you laugh, huh, kiddo?" he murmured, smiling.

"Yeah…yeah, I do," she stammered.

"Ricky make you laugh?" he asked, quietly.

"Yeah…sometimes," she replied.

"Sometimes don't really satisfy you, does it, baby?" he murmured. "You wanna be laughing all the time."

"I wanna be…happy," stammered Harleen.

"Happy people smile and laugh," murmured Joker. "You don't look very happy to me, kiddo."

She glared at him. "I _am _happy," she growled. "I have everything a girl could want…"

"You don't have everything Harley wants," he interrupted.

"I am not Harley Quinn!" she shouted.

"Yes, you are," he murmured, gazing at her. "And I want you."

She stared back into his deep, intense eyes, feeling her heart pounding in anger, in fury, in…excitement.

"I…think we should talk about…"

"I want you," he repeated.

The words were like a jolt of electricity, flooding her body with strange, new sensations which were not at all unpleasant. "I…don't think you should…" she stammered, feeling heat rise to her cheeks.

"I want you," he said again. "I'm bored of talking to Dr. Harleen Quinzel. I want my little Harley Quinn, and I want her now."

He sat up, the chains of his handcuffs rattling. Harleen just stared back at him, face flushed, heart pounding in excitement, body awash with unfamiliar feelings. Joker reached for a paperclip on the desk, unbent it, and began fiddling with the lock on his handcuffs. Harleen's mind was screaming at her – the patient was breaking free of his restraints, she needed to summon the guards right now, he was a dangerous maniac and there was no telling what he would do in this state. But she just stood there, her body refusing to obey, and some dark, secret part of her mind hoping that he was going to do something terribly wicked.

The handcuffs fell to the ground. The Joker was on his feet in an instant, kissing her and slamming her hard against the wall. His kiss was raw and hard and passionate, with a force that wouldn't be denied. And she didn't want to deny it. She returned the kiss with equal passion, feeling something bubbling up deep inside her that she had never felt before. Something strong, and equally undeniable. It was ferocious, flooding her entire body and pooling in between her legs. It was lust, she realized. Fiery, passionate lust for this murderous psychopath, and her patient. That was wrong and dirty. But that only increased her arousal.

He tore her top open, his hands exploring the curves of her body. She moaned as the lust shot through her again. One of his hands slid up her leg and into her skirt.

"N…no, I can't!" she gasped, pushing him away. "Not even Ricky has…touched me like that…"

He stared at her. "You and he haven't…"

She shook her head. "I…I don't believe in sex before marriage."

He smiled at her. "You mean you don't believe it can happen? Because I assure you, it can."

"I mean...it wouldn't be right," she gasped.

"No. It would be terribly, terribly wrong, sweets," he murmured, nuzzling her neck. "Sleeping with your patient, the Joker, the most evil and dangerous and crazy man in this whole goddamn asylum, in this whole goddamn world, probably!" he chuckled. "Giving him your virginity when you're engaged to another guy. That would be such a bad thing to do, wouldn't it, my little minx? Such a naughty, dirty, bad thing to do."

He spanked her suddenly and she moaned in pleasure. "You like pain, do you, you adorable little masochist?" he growled, spanking her again. "You like things that are bad for you, don't you?"

"Uh huh," she gasped, barely daring to believe it herself. But she couldn't deny the feelings washing through her, the feelings that completely swept away any thought of morals and ethics and her fiance. She wanted to sacrifice everything she had for this man.

She shut her eyes tightly. "Am I…crazy, Mr. Joker?" she gasped.

He chuckled. "Yeah, you are, sweets," he murmured, kissing her. "And that's why I love you, Harley."

He shoved her down on the therapy couch."Now let Daddy give you some real therapy, sweets," he whispered, climbing on top of her. "Let him cure you of this mad desire for sanity. Let him make you happy, really happy, and drive you crazy. Would you like that, Harley?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah…I really would, Mr. Joker," she whispered.

He giggled, reaching down for his belt and murmuring, "Call me Mr. J."


	6. Chapter 6

"Harley, Ricky, so good to see you both again!" exclaimed Harleen's mother, opening the door and beaming at them. "C'mon in!"

"Thanks, Mrs. Quinzel," said Ricky, embracing her and smiling. Harleen forced a smile and also hugged her mother. The drive from Arkham to her parents' house had been incredibly awkward for Harleen, as she was still buzzing from her encounter with the Joker earlier that day. She knew she should have regretted cheating on her fiance with him, but she didn't, and somehow that made the whole experience more exciting. Ricky had sensed something was wrong, and she had told him she just wasn't feeling very well. He had suggested skipping dinner with her parents and getting her home to bed, but Harleen didn't want to disappoint her parents like that. Not that they wouldn't be disappointed in her if they ever found out what she had done…

"Harley's not feeling the greatest," explained Ricky as he went over to shake her father's hand heartily. "Hello, Mr. Quinzel."

"Probably something you picked up working with the freaks," muttered Harleen's father, embracing his daughter and kissing her on the cheek. "When are you gonna stop wasting your life with the lunatics and find a real job, Harley?"

"Good to see you again too, Dad," muttered Harleen.

"Now sweetie, let's not fight with Harley the moment she gets here," said Mrs. Quinzel soothingly, trying to keep the peace as she usually did. "You two must be thirsty after your drive – can I fix you a drink?"

"Oh, no thanks, Mrs. Quinzel, I'll get them," said Ricky. "I'll make Harley a nice cup of tea for that cold of hers. Don't want my precious fiancee getting sick," he said, kissing her nose as he headed for the kitchen.

She _was _sick, thought Harleen to herself. What she had done earlier with the Joker, that had been sick. She should feel utterly filthy and ashamed. But it wasn't shame that burned her cheeks as she remembered it now. It was excitement.

"You got a fever, honey?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, studying her daughter in concern.

"Huh? Oh…no, Mom, it's nothing serious like that," said Harleen, slowly. "Just a headache."

"I'll go find you some aspirin," said her mother, rising and leaving Harleen alone with her father.

"You and Ricky find a house yet?" he asked, breaking the awkward silence between the two.

"Yeah, we think so," said Harleen. "He was gonna talk to you about the mortgage on it tonight. And the insurance…he doesn't wanna get swindled."

"Got a good head on his shoulders, that kid," said her father, nodding. "Good choice you made, Harley."

"Oh…thanks, Dad," stammered Harleen. "But I dunno that you can necessarily…choose who you fall in love with."

Her father sighed. "I told your mother it was a mistake to let you cling onto silly, romantic notions like that," he muttered. "Love is only a small part of marriage, Harley, and it's only a small part of life. I mean, it's important to care about each other, but the kinda crap you mean, the uncontrollable, irresistible, romantic idea of love…well, that's nonsense, sweetheart. Worse than that, it's trouble. It makes you base all your hopes and dreams on an unreliable, inconsistent, turbulent emotion. The key to happiness is stability, Harley. You of all people should know that, working with the insane."

"Well…they aren't all unhappy…" said Harleen, slowly. "The Joker, for instance…"

"The Joker is a murdering psychopath," interrupted her father. "You saying you wanna be a murdering psychopath, Harley?"

"No, Dad, of course not," she murmured. "But I don't really think love would make me into that."

He looked at her. "You saying you ain't in love with Ricky?" he asked quietly.

"Of course I am," she retorted. "I'm gonna marry him, ain't I?"

"_Aren't _I," he corrected. "Your accent still slips occasionally, Harley. You need to work on that."

Harleen said nothing, her thoughts drifting back to earlier today. "Mistah J!" she had screamed wildly as he pounded against her. "Oh, Mistah J, harder!" He had seemed to like that a lot – he had laughed and kissed her.

"That's my Harley girl," he whispered. "With all your pretending to be prim, I really missed my Brooklyn baby screaming for her Mistah J," he said, increasing his pace...

"Got your aspirin, sweetheart," said Mrs. Quinzel, bringing Harleen back from her memories again. "You sure you don't have a fever? You're really flushed, honey," she said, feeling her forehead.

"No, Mom, I'm fine," she said. "It's nothing, honestly."

"Here's your tea, Harley," said Ricky, re-entering the room with a steaming mug. "Dinner smells great, Mrs. Quinzel – do you need any help with it?"

"Oh, no, thanks, Ricky, I can manage," said Mrs. Quinzel. "But you're so sweet for asking. You hit the jackpot with this one, Harley," she said, heading back toward the kitchen.

"Don't I know it," said Harleen, forcing a smile as she took the tea from Ricky. He kissed her gently and Harleen shut her eyes, remembering how Mr. J had kissed her earlier, how rough and harsh and wild his mouth had been – that was what she wanted, not Ricky's sweet kisses. She felt ashamed again and drew away from him, sipping her tea slowly and swallowing the aspirin.

"Harley says you've found a house, Ricky," said Mr. Quinzel as he sat down.

"Well, I think so, Mr. Quinzel, but I wanted to talk to you about it," he said. "It's got a down-payment of about ten-thousand grand, but there's a fixed APR of…"

Harleen's thoughts drifted off again to earlier that day, after it was over and she lay, exhausted and indescribably happy, in his arms. "Oh, Mistah J," she had whispered. "That was incredible."

He chuckled. "I'm glad you weren't disappointed, baby. Wouldn't want you to forget your first time."

"It was wrong of me to do this, but I don't regret it," she murmured. She shut her eyes tightly. "I should, but I don't. I don't know what's the matter with me, why everything I thought was wrong can suddenly seem so right. I used to know who I was and what I wanted, but now…"

"Oh, sweets, you are who you've always been," he murmured, brushing a loose strand of hair back from her face. "You're my little Harley Quinn."

"I was happy…" she began.

"If you were happy, you wouldn't have done this," he murmured. "But you're happy now, ain't you, sweets?"

She smiled, genuinely smiled, for the first time in a long time. "Yeah," she whispered, kissing him. "I am."

She brought herself back to reality this time, looking around the room, at her fiance talking with her father, at her mother in the kitchen. And suddenly it all felt terribly claustrophobic. She didn't want this to be her future. It didn't feel right – it hadn't ever felt right. It wasn't what she wanted, a stable, normal life with a stable, normal home and a stable, normal relationship. She wanted a roller coaster fun ride, something that would make her feel alive every second of every day. She hadn't felt alive, truly alive, until this morning. And she didn't want to stop feeling that again.

"Dinner's ready," said Mrs. Quinzel, and they all moved into the dining room. Ricky helped Mrs. Quinzel serve while Harleen just sat there, the slow realization of what she had to do creeping up on her.

"Did the aspirin help with the headache, honey?" asked Mrs. Quinzel as she sat down.

"Oh…yeah, Mom," she stammered. "It's…better now."

"It's probably stress-related," said Ricky, helping himself to some potatoes and passing them along. "Harley's had a couple terrible days having to analyze the Joker."

"I'm not surprised," said Mr. Quinzel, reaching for the salt. "Crazy freak must be quite the handful."

"Don't call him that," murmured Harleen.

"Why not? He is a crazy freak," he retorted. "Nothing but a monster…"

"I said don't call him that!" shouted Harleen, suddenly furious. Everyone was taken aback by her anger for a moment, and they stared at her, shocked.

"What would you call him, then?" demanded Mr. Quinzel.

"My patient," she hissed. "And a sick man. A victim."

That's not what she had called him earlier, though. She had called him Daddy. And he was certainly a much better Daddy to her than the man who sat across from her now, the man who had never supported a single one of her decisions and who had tried to shape her against her will into an ideal, proper young woman. But that wasn't who she was. And she was going to stop pretending right now before trying to be sane any longer drove her mad.

She stood up suddenly. "Ricky, can I talk to you privately for a moment?" she asked.

"Oh…sure thing, sweetheart," he said, surprised. "The food's delicious, Mrs. Quinzel – we'll be back in a moment to enjoy it."

They went out into the kitchen. "What is it, Harley?" he asked. "You don't look well – you sure you don't wanna go home…"

"I can't marry you, Ricky," she interrupted, before she could consider whether this was really the time or the place. She just couldn't wait another minute.

He stared at her. "What?" he asked.

"I can't marry you," she repeated. "I'm sorry. I should have told you before, but I didn't realize until today. I…I've fallen in love with someone else."

"Is this…a joke?" he asked, slowly.

"No," she murmured. "No, I've never been more serious in my life. You're a nice guy, Ricky, and you deserve a nice girl to settle down with. But it's not me. I'm not a nice girl. I'm a very bad girl, and I want to be with a very bad guy."

"Harley…"

"I had sex with the Joker this morning," she interrupted again. "It was really wrong of me to do that. But nothing on earth has ever felt more right."

He gaped at her. "You…did what?" he stammered.

"I had sex with the Joker this morning," she repeated. She wasn't at all ashamed to admit it – in fact, she was proud. "I had sex with the Joker this morning," she said again, louder, so that her parents could hear her in the dining room. "He wanted me. Outta all the women in the world, he wanted me. He chose me to be his Harley Quinn. And there's nothing else I want more in the world than to be that."

Ricky just stared at her, not fully processing what she had said. But Harleen suddenly felt as if a great weight had been lifted, as if a horrible burden that she had been carrying for years had gone, and she was suddenly free.

She raced back into the dining room, grabbing her purse and ignoring the horrified, stunned looks from her parents. "Sorry, Mom and Dad, I gotta run," she said, taking out her car keys. "I need to get back to puddin' – he needs me, and I don't wanna be away from him another second! I'm in love with him, madly in love with him, and I don't wanna be sane ever again!"

She raced out the door, slamming it behind her. Her heart was racing, and she couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she drove. She stopped at a costume shop to collect a few essentials, and then sped over to Arkham. She slipped her costume on, ducked under the barrier, knocked out a few guards with a rubber chicken, another few with a stink bomb, another with a can o' snakes, and another with some marbles. She reached the Joker's cell, planting a makeshift bomb over the glass and letting it count down.

When the smoke cleared, the Joker looked up to see Harley Quinn, holding a pop gun and beaming at him. "Knock, knock, puddin'," she purred. "Say hello to your new, improved Harley Quinn!"

"Yes! 2 for 2!" shouted Joker triumphantly, throwing his hands up in the air. "Oh, didn't think I could break her mind a second time, huh, Hatty?! Well, think again, you hat-wearing, child-loving, pathetic excuse for a supervillain! I haven't learned any lesson except that I really am the World's Greatest Charmer, which I already knew, so it ain't really a lesson! You failed, I won, as usual! The Joker always wins! Give Harley a million fiances and I'll take 'em all down! Give her an army of guys and I'll beat 'em all! Nobody comes between me and my little pumpkin pie, and she wouldn't trade our crazy, wild, mad love for anything in the world, would ya, sweets?" he asked, seizing her in his arms.

"Nah uh, Mr. J," she breathed, kissing him.

"Mr. J? Mr. J? Mr. J?" It was Harley's voice, sounding like it was coming from a long way off. And then the world spun and went dark, and then he was back in his cell again, in real reality, his blood-stained plan at his feet and Harley gazing at him in concern, wearing her lingerie set and holding a hat in her hands.

"You ok, puddin'?" she asked. "I thought you might change your mind about the playtime, so I put the underwear back on and went to go check on you when I found you wearing…"

He silenced her by shoving his mouth on top of hers, pressing her roughly down on the bed.

"Oh…wow, puddin'!" gasped Harley much later, gazing at him in adoration. "You gotta go to alternate realities more often if it'll put you in the mood like that!"

"Just eager to reclaim my property, sweets," he chuckled, patting her head. "Not that you weren't my property in that other reality, of course."

"Mmm, I've always been your property, puddin'," she whispered, kissing him. "Your little Harley girl. Yours and yours alone."

He returned the kiss with passion, and then drew away, reaching for his clothes. "Well, time for some more fun!" he chuckled, dressing. "Nothing like a little post-coital beating! Hatty has to pay for messing with those alternate realities after I told him not to."

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', why doncha cut him a break?" asked Harley, sitting up. "After all, it turned out ok in the end."

"That's not the point, Harley," he retorted. "The little runt has to learn a lesson about trying to teach other people lessons. It's just rude."

"Puddin', wait!" called Harley as he strode from his cell. She clutched the blanket around her body and raced after him. "Puddin', c'mon, why doncha beat your Harley instead? That'll get the mood back!"

Jervis Tetch was having a rematch of chess with Jonathan Crane when the Joker strode into the Rec Room, eyes blazing.

"Oh…damn," stammered Tetch, leaping to his feet. "Joker, it wasn't my fault…I didn't want to do it…Pamela made me…"

Joker ignored him, approaching him and pounding his fist into his hand threateningly. "Jonathan, find Pamela so she can explain the situation…" stammered Tetch, backing away. "Jonathan? Jonathan!"

Crane was gazing in captivation at Harley wearing nothing but a thin sheet around her body. "It's been a good day," he murmured.

"Jonathan, snap out of it!" shouted Tetch. "Oh, where is Pamela when you need her?"

"Oh, you're back," said Poison Ivy, entering the room at that moment and noticing Joker holding Tetch up by the collar, fist raised. "Don't take it out on Jervis, J – I'm the one you wanna be mad at. The whole thing was my idea, and I forced Jervis to do it by using my mind-control lipstick on him."

"Oh. Ok, then!" said Joker, dropping Tetch to the ground and smiling. "Sorry, Hatty, guess you were telling the truth!" he laughed, helping him up and dusting him off. "No hard feelings, huh?"

"What? Oh…no," stammered Tetch, surprised and pleased by the lack of pain. "No, no hard feelings."

"Good! I'll be with you a second, Pammie, just gonna get something for Jervis," said Joker, leaving the room and re-entering with the hat. "There ya go, buddy! Nice job with that, by the way – the whole reality seems really real."

"Oh…thank you," stammered Tetch, reaching out for the hat. Joker suddenly crushed it in his hands, sending sparks flying.

"But nobody likes a nerd," he growled, throwing the broken hat into Tetch's face. "And it's simply not polite to send people into other realities. So don't ever make another one of those, get me? Now, Pammie, just why did you want to trap me in an alternate reality?" he demanded, turning to face Ivy.

"So you'd learn your lesson about treating Harley like crap," retorted Ivy. "I trust you did. Tetch told me he made Harley's life perfect in that reality. Nice job, good family, loving fiance…"

"Yeah, and guess what?" asked Joker, grinning. "She threw it all away for me!"

"No, she didn't," retorted Ivy. "Nobody's that crazy…"

"My Harley girl is!" he chuckled, embracing Harley and kissing her forehead. "She's just as crazy as they come! Of course I can't blame her – what woman wouldn't sacrifice everything for me? I'm the World's Greatest Charmer!"

"You're the World's Greatest Liar," retorted Ivy.

"I ain't lying," he snapped. "Hey, Tetchy, is there any way you can send me back to that reality with a video camera or something so I can do the whole thing over again and record it for Pammie?" he asked, turning to him.

"You…just broke the simulator…" said Tetch, slowly. "And you told me never to make another one…"

"And now I'm telling ya to send me back with a video camera!" shouted Joker. "So get to it!"

"Yes, sir," gasped Tetch, racing from the room.

"Crane, jaw shut before I break it," snapped Joker. "Pammie, for your little stunt, when I get outta here, I'm gonna give a whole forest of trees an alternate reality as firewood. Harley, come with me," he said, seizing her arm and returning to his cell. "Daddy's got a lot of catching up to do."

**The End**


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